Sara's Pearls

For Christmas this year, my mom bought Sara a set of beautiful pearls, and then on Christmas morning, surprised me with a matching set! Pearls are beautiful, and I have always always loved them on other people, but I never really thought about having a pair myself, but now I do, and I am so glad. I spent about 10 minutes on my birthday taking a few pictures of her wearing her pearls so that when she is older, my mom can present to her the pearls she gave to her on her first Christmas, with a few of these pictures attached. It's such a beautiful, sweet thought, and I can hardly wait to be there when she receives them. Enjoy a few pictures of her and I with them.

Another reason I was happy to wait until the day after Christmas to take her pictures with them was because on my birthday last year, I got confirmation that we were indeed pregnant. My 31st year of life has been amazing, and even though I am fairly confident that I won't be pregnant again this year, or ever again most likely, I am sure that watching this little blessing grow during her first year is going to be a rollercoaster ride.

Sara is 3 months old...

Wow! Time has really gone by fast. Soon, I plan to share my birth story, but for now, while this is current, I will share what Sara is like at 3 months old. 

She is such a lovely little addition to our family. It really is very hard for me to imagine life without her, and very difficult for me to remember what life was like between Daniel and her without changing diapers, nursing, etc. It has not felt like almost 7 years has passed since I have had a baby. It feels like I have been doing this the whole time, even when I haven't. It is crazy. I feel like a mother, and it seems strange to me that I haven't been mothering a small baby all of this time. But still, she has been so "easy" and yet hard! Are new baby's every easy? 

We are in the 3 to 4 month sleep regression and growth spurt I think. And if we are not, I don't even wanna know what that is going to be like, because, I am TIRED. Like, more exhausted than bringing her home kind of TIRED. I am convinced those first weeks are so full of adrenaline, that you don't even know your exhausted condition. So I am writing this report in the middle of a spurt that has really changed all of our routines. 

Sleeping: 

She TYPICALLY goes down around 7:30, and sleeps until 3 or so, sometimes 4, sometimes 6, but like I said, lately, we are talking waking back up around 10-11pm, again at 2, and 4, and 6, and 8. She is normally up for the day around 9:30.

10:30-12:00 usually a little nap is in there somewhere, typically in her crib. 

1:30-3:30- usually another nap. Can't say it lasts the whole two hours, but she tries. 

5:30-6:30- we typically eat dinner while she naps in her swing. 

Nursing: 

This has been a little different than I experienced with Daniel. He was a joy to nurse. She is not so much fun honestly, but I still love it even though it's different. My let down is extremely forceful. She basically drowns, but the lactation consultant said that she does good to keep up, that most babies would abandon the breast because of it. As a result though, she pops off a LOT. and I mean, every two swallows and she pops off, for most of the feeding. It is rare that she latches, stays latched, eats until she's satisfied and then unlatches. It isn't necessarily relaxing, but she gets the milk, my supply is good, and that is all I can really hope for. 

Her schedule is definitely on demand, and sometimes if I know I am going in a restaurant, or store, I recommend she eat, and she usually is happy to oblige. But she definitely eats better and longer when it's her idea. 

Typically she nurses around 5-6 am, 8, 10, 12, 3, 5, and 7:30 before bed. She can go longer in between those feedings, but right now that is what she's up to. Again, I think she is trying to make more milk. :) 

 This past Sunday I left her in the nursery for the first time for about 15-20 minutes, and then she wanted to nurse. :) Of course.

FAQ's 

Does she cry a lot? No, not really. 

Is she a good baby? Yes, we think so! 

How much does she weigh? Probably around 12 pounds. She goes to the pediatrician at the beginning of January. 

Does she like the car? She doesn't mind it at all. 

Does she like a bath? I don't give her one that often, but she has never minded it in the past. 

Does Daniel like her? Oh yes!!! He loves her!!!! He will NOT leave her alone sometimes. 

Does she spit up a lot? No, not a lot, but definitely some. 

Ok, it's time to change a diaper!!! :) 

West Salem Baptist Church Worship Service 2017

There have been a few things that I have looked forward to as a mom, and watching my child(ren) perform on stage has been one of them. Daniel has been so shy in years past, that there have been things he has not even participated in because the drama was just too great for the payoff. Last year, and this year he has been such a trooper to overcome his "fear" and "anxiety" and they've been such joyous proud moments for me. Enjoy a few pictures from this years service.

Church Fall Festival Fun 2015

Daniel was "Bashful" from the Seven Dwarfs this year for Halloween. He played the part super well. :)

MIscarrying & Healing

So, being told that your baby died at 8weeks4days has passed away is hard news. But, having to prepare for the actual process was a different thing. That Monday after our appointment, we stopped to get some lunch, which seemed like something you do on a regular Monday. I kept my sunglasses on to hide my red, swollen puffy eyes, and to mask my flowing tears. I drove myself home and thanked the Lord for a beautiful day. I went home, got into some pajama pants and climbed into my bed. It seemed like that was what I was supposed to do. But, somehow it felt like the last thing I wanted to do. I didn't feel right in my own skin. I didn't want to sit, lay, stand, nothing. I wanted out of my body. But, instead, our small family of three put on our tennis shoes and we took a long walk through our neighborhood. It was the perfect medicine. I don't remember what we talked about but I remember feeling good. We went home and then visited Gretchen, our pastor's wife and we told her what happened. She sent us home with some yummy dinner, and we met my mom that evening at our house. She came to visit and be with me.

She and I sat on our front porch and just talked. It was a sad day, but it was calming. We left to go pick up my prescription, and a few things I needed to prepare. She left, we prepared for bed and I was able to rest.

Tuesday morning I planned to wake up and take the medicine. Inserting the medicine was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I didn't want to do it, but I knew it was the right thing for me to do.

But, I waited until all of my house chores were completed. I cleaned bathrooms, vacuumed, caught up on all the laundry, and made sure everything was just right. I took the medicine finally, showered and planned to go pick up glasses I ordered the week before. At 2:30, I started feeling the beginning of discomfort. The beginning of the pain was sad to me. This was it. Not long now, I will see the physical evidence of the death that happened within me. I was actually very scared of it. By the time I made it to the optometrist, and had to wait for the fitting, and feeling my abdomen tighten and relax every few minutes caused me to hurry along the office visit. "Just give me my glasses so I can go" and they hurried me through. Perhaps they knew I was in distress? The tech that helped me remembered me from the week before and I asked how I was feeling. For the first time, I had to answer the question. I told her the truth. She hugged me. She fitted me and I left. I got home and was really starting to get super uncomfortable. By 4:00 I was asking Dennis to come home early, which he couldn't. I was also expecting my mom to spend the night with me, so I was anxious for her to get there as well. No one could get to me until 5:30, and by that time, I was sitting on an exercise ball, with no pants, an electric heating pad rolled up on my lower abdomen, propped up next to my bed, getting through what I would consider labor. This is not a run of the mill period. My Dr. said it would be, and it came quickly to my attention that he evidently has not labored at all. Not a 9 month baby, not an 8 week one. I rocked back and forth, I laid my head on the bed, and I said "it hurts to bad." My mom rubbed my back, my hips, and I just made it through it. 

Around 8:00pm I wanted some cantaloupe and watermelon, so I went down to the kitchen to try to cut some up. While standing there, I felt what is described as the "big gush" and I expected a lot of blood. To my surprise, there wasn't much. I went to the bathroom, and I pushed and waited. When I stood, I saw my baby. A perfectly formed 8.5 week baby. Cord and all. It was beautiful, and unique. An answer to a prayer that I didn't pray. 

With that baby came out with it, what I believe to be her brother or sister. A much under developed incapsulated fetus. I won't ever get medical conformation of this, but I believe it to be true. When I saw them both together, I said: "Look, mom, there are two babies." 

I called Dennis to come in and see. And we (and by we, I mean my mother) spooned them out very carefully, and we sat and admired her. We adored her, and studied her. After tears and joy, Dennis buried her in a house plant that was given to us the week before by his parents. It completed things for me. I felt comforted and healed. (Of course not completely) We named her "Ella"

The pains let up a TREMENDOUS amount after I passed the babies and delivered the placenta the next morning. I wasn't expecting this type of experience at all, but I dealt with it the best I could. 

The next morning I woke up to my husband curled next to me, mourning our baby. It is something I won't ever forget. 

The next day, my mom stayed with us and helped me take care of Daniel, while I rested a good bit. I stayed in bed most of the day. I felt the absence of the life of my baby, and it made me incredibly sad. I never realized how much I loved this blessing and how aware I was of her presence until it was gone. It was a very sad moment for me, but I knew that even though I was void this precious little life, I was filled with the Holy Spirit, and for that there is no greater gift. For we do not mourn as those who do not have hope. And I truly felt the love and care of my Lord in this very very dark moment, and days. I know He will heal, and he will sustain me. 

The flowers pictures above were delivered to my home on Thursday by some special friends: Les & Suzanne. I was also delivered some DELICIOUS chocolate and calming tea by another dear photographer friend, Lindsey. I felt loved on by friends and calls, text messages, and small acts of love and kindness. 

I begin to heal and feel whole again, moving on with gratitude in my heart and joy for this suffering. 

The Lord Giveth and The Lord Taketh Away.. Blessed be the Name of the Lord. Job 1:21

While I was in the laboring phase, I found this YouTube song that I have taken so much comfort from, and EVERY word is true. I listen to it daily. It is a wonderful reminder. Please take a moment to listen to this. 

Thank you all for reading my story! I have a picture of our sweet Ella, and I would love to share it with you if you are a family or friend. Please feel free to ask to see her, I will show her to you gladly. :) 

Finding Out Worse News

March 16th. A Monday.  A beautiful, warm, sunny, perfect day. We had our appointment. I was incredibly nervous. This time, we brought Daniel there. My reasoning was: If it were a positive appointment, he could see his baby brother or (insisted) sister. OR if the news wasn't good, he would be there to remind me of a blessing I already have.

We went in. I laid back on the table, and was hoping to see a large amount of amniotic fluid. For the week prior, I had drank so much water I was swimming in it, and stayed off of my feet, for good measure. So, she placed the probe on my belly, and the first thing I saw was a much bigger baby, and more amniotic fluid.


"There looks to be more fluid." I stated. "Yes, there is" She replied. And without even thinking, I asked: "Is there a heartbeat?"


"No, I am not seeing one"






I will go get the Dr. to confirm. She leaves the room.







I laid there in disbelief. Dennis asks: "Did she say there wasn't a heartbeat?" and I shook my head yes.



Dr. comes in and she rechecks. No heartbeat. My baby laid there lifeless. No blood flow. No beating heart. He offers some condolences. So, I sit up, and we were taken to a room to wait for our options. Options. Hmm.

And we waited and waited and waited. I could feel friends looking at their clocks waiting for an update. I am in disbelief. Crying. Praying. Thinking. It was horrible. He finally comes in, and he offers me 3 options after he gave me some "counseling" on the "why" of this happening..

Options were:
1. to wait for my body to miscarry naturally.
2. to have sugery to remove the baby.
3. to take a medicine called cytotec to kickstart a natural process.

We carefully weighed the options, I had already decided surgery was not an option, even though at the time, it seemed more appealing that I thought it might. We chose option #3. We had a trip planned at the end of the week that we really wanted to take, and I was ready to move forward.

So, we left the office. The sun felt good on my face, and we had a long road ahead.

I will post more tomorrow to tell the rest of the story.